Someone will Miss You
by Wah-Keetcha
Summary: “I am sorry Raphael…. But I am just not as strong as you are.” Raphael is out walking in the rain and tries to coax a troubled young man down from a ledge. My first LONG oneshot.


**Title:** Someone will Miss You

**Rating:** T

**Author:** Wah-Keetcha

**Summery:** "I am sorry Raphael…. But I am just not as strong as you are." Raphael is out walking in the rain and tries to coax a troubled young man down from a ledge

**Author Note:** I know, I know, 'Keetcha you have to work on Living as Foes not start another idea! Well, this story idea was kicking around in my head for a while now and I decided to act upon it. This is single handedly the LONGEST single story I think I written so far. So, please sit back, read and review…. Let me know how I did!

**(Raph)**

"Stupid Leo… tellin' me what to do." I fume, walking down the rain drenched streets of a sleepy New York. Cars pass me, their headlights glinting off the many road signs. I look up, the brim of my hat hiding just enough of my features from any curious motorists. Very few pedestrians dare to walk out in the pouring rain. I frown, reading the signs twice before realizing I'm in a section I rarely come to anymore. With a shake of the head I don't let the fact that I barely know this area deter me from staying out of the lair. With a growl I trudge foreword, heading out onto the grates of the bridge. The metal is slick from the rain, the droplets hitting the hard, unyielding metal with a dull ping sound as the downpour seems to pick up. I look out across the channel, finding the view too dark and too foggy to really see much of anything other than the shimmering lights of the buildings. I have always wondered how such a beautiful city can hold such vile and nasty people like the Shredder and Hun within its grasp. I place my hands on the cold metal cables of the bridge and resist the urge to rip off my coat and hat, now soaked from the torrential downpour. My anger almost bursting at the seam I grip the railing, the cold metal making me shiver slightly and I flinch as the blinding headlights of a car going past illuminate me. Shrinking down into my coat I watch the car pass with hooded eyes, berating myself for being scared. About to turn my gaze back out into the darkness I stop, breath catching in my throat at the sight of a lone figure at the railing several yards down from me, his clothing soaked through and hair matted flat to his head.

I frown, crazy human.

I watch the young man, barely into his twenties; grip the steel railing of the bridge, his face a mask of misery. Dropping the satchel and with narrow shoulders shaking with cold or emotion I watch in almost horror as the young man hauls himself up onto the railing, gripping the tension cable with white fingers and stares down into the inky blackness below. Quickly I whip my head around, looking for anyone who might be able to stop this guy but the streets are deserted and the only car I can see has already turned off onto another street. I look back, finding the young man standing still as stone, barely feeling the chilly rain whipped wind beating him in the face. I growl slightly and push myself away from the railing, walking slowly and deliberately down to where the youngster is standing.

"Don't come any closer." He breathes, teeth chattering slightly as he grips the cable tighter. I stop, putting my hands out in front of me, not caring if he takes into notice my lack of digits.

He doesn't, if anything his gaze barely even flicks towards me.

"Hey kid." I start and stop when the dark, red rimmed eyes turn towards me, their depths pleading with me but also screaming in a way I understand.

"Don't…." he snarls and I nod my head

"Alright." I say slowly and turn to look over the railing, watching the shivering youth out of the corner of my eye.

"Just… gunna stand here and look down at the water is all." I tell him, feeling every muscle in my body tense in case I need to make a quick move. The kid barely twitches beyond the jerking of too cold muscles. I stand still for several minutes before snorting softly to myself, earning a questioning look from the kid.

"What?" he snaps and I give him a sideways look and then a shrug

"Nothing really, just thinkin' someone might just miss ya." He scoffs at this, his laugh falling between a sob of defeat and a whisper of mirth.

"Yeah, sure. No one will miss me." I nod to myself, silently in understanding and in congratulations of guess his problem correctly. I've seen the look in this human's eye I've seen in my own many times before, I've said the same words as well.

"I don't belong here." He whispers so low I barely catch it over the wind. I turn to him but hold my spot, resisting the urge to just pull him down from the rail and scream at him about his stupidity, that isn't what this kid needs.

"Where ya from?" I ask and the dull eyes turn to me once more before returning back to the river below.

"Greenville." I don't let my surprise show but nod, knowing of the small place in upper state.

"Yourself?" he asks and I gesture to the city behind me

"New Yorker my whole life." I state and he nods, a look of dismay coming over his face a look that is suddenly smothered by the look of defeat.

"Than you wouldn't understand." He states loosens his grip on the wire but I quickly jump in, my voice low but still loud enough to hear.

"I may be a native New Yorker, but I _do_ know what it's like to be an outcast, I know what it's like to not be accepted by society." The grip tightens and the young man's eyes turn to look at me, narrowed slightly and I hold up one of my hands.

"You deformed?" he asks suddenly and I chuckle slightly, stepping a bit closer

"You can say that I guess. Been like this my whole life, hiding from others because of what they would think." I tell him truthfully but not willing to reveal myself to the boy, in case the sight of a five foot tall talking turtle sends him over the edge. The boy sighs, shivering shoulders heaving

"I shouldn't be here… among the people in this city. I don't belong here." He restates sadly and I try to pry more information out of the kid, desperately hoping someone driving by will see this and stop, take over.

"What your name?" I ask and the eyes shoot back to me

"Caleb." He states simply and I lick my lips

"I'm Raphael." He gives me a quizzical look before shivering violently.

"Why don't you belong here Caleb?" I ask, saying his name softly and for a moment the boy looks about ready to heave himself over the side but he indulges me

"I'm different than all the others… My values are to my family and to my heritage…. I have dreams that I'm laughed at for. I'm mocked in class and made fun of in the dorms. I have no friends, nobody I can talk to or show my art and drawings too." He sobs, tears mingling with the rain hitting his face.

"You don't sound much different Caleb." I tell him and the boy only shakes his head

"No! Everyone on campus, they come from families that are well off and don't even try to pass their classes. I pay for my own schooling and am working harder than all of them and STILL I have no one! WHY!?" he shouts suddenly, his red rimmed eyes pleading with me to have the answers, wanting me to tell him everything thing he desires to know. I shake my head

"I don't know Caleb…. Just because your different doesn't mean all this" I indicate the bridge and the vast blackness out beyond it. "The only person you need to be better than is yourself Caleb. Do that and you'll be satisfied with you life." I tell him, repeating the very same words Splinter told me many years ago.

"Do you know what it's like to go through life without a single person who cares!?" he shouts and I feel my anger boiling up. Without a second thought to the repercussions I rip off my fedora and unbutton the long coat that was protecting me from the eyes of this world, the world that has driven this obviously passionate and idealistic youth to the very edge.

"Do _you_ know what it's like to go through life without being able to go out in the daylight? Do _you_ know what it feels like when you do something _right_ and are called monster by the person you helped?" I roar back, my own injured soul coming out to bear to another.

"Do you know what it's like to be different from those that are just _like_ you?" I ask softly and look down. Caleb is silent for several minutes, his eyes wide but not fearful. I growl and put the soaked fedora back on and then slowly force my arms into the soaked jacket sleeves, feeling the fabric pull.

"How long…" he asks and I shake my head

"Since I was an infant…. This is the only life I know." I tell him and for the first time I see a spark of spirit come back into the boys eyes.

"There are more like you?" he asks and I nod, unsure of how much I should tell him

"Yes, my brothers." I leave the rest hanging, wishing he won't ask anymore but he doesn't, his eyes go dull once more and his face turns pale and bleak.

"Your right… I don't know what it is like to be you but you don't know what it is like to be me. You don't know how it feels to look around you and realize you're the _only_ one who has these dreams and hopes for a better life. At least you have your brothers Raphael; I don't even have my own family." He says and I feel my heart shatter inside my plastron at his lonely words.

"Kid, just because you're different doesn't mean you have to give up. My father always told me that my difference gives me strength to keep fighting, to keep being me." I tell him but I can already tell I'm grasping at fragile frayed edges. I can see it in young Caleb's eyes, he's determined and willing.

He has already given up

"I am sorry Raphael…. But I am just not as strong as you are." He says and shrugs his narrow shoulders and stares back out into the darkness. I see his grip loosen on the cable and the world around me suddenly stops. I lunge for the young man now plunging off the railing but my body is too slow, the world slows down to a tortoise crawl, dully I hear the clack of my plastron against the steel bar as I reach out a futile hand to grab the back of the kid's sweatshirt

I grab air

The world suddenly picks up speed again and I can hear my own breath echoing loudly in the silence of the rainy night. I stare down into the darkness below; trying to see if by some miracle Caleb is dangling from a guide wire.

Nothing.

My chest fills with icy sadness, ice that spreads quickly through my blood freezing it in my veins. With an angry yell I slam my hand down on the railing, feeling the unyielding metal stand firm against my anger. I can feel the hot burning behind my eyes and close them tightly, wanting this all to be a nightmare and for one of my siblings to come in and wake me up but when I open them the rain is still pouring down onto a world that hasn't yet realized what it's lost. I step back from the railing, sick to my stomach and heart. I look down at the metal grating and see the forgotten satchel sitting there, collecting rain water. With shaking fingers I pick it up, feeling the fabric squish under my grip. Shaking my head I turn from the bridge and head back the way I came, clutching the satchel to me as I make for a pay phone. Slinging the satchel over my shoulder I pick up the phone and push the zero for operator.

"Operator, how may I direct your call?" the kindly voiced woman on the other end asks and for a moment I gape my mouth like a fish

"Um… nine one one please." I tell her with a shaky breath and within a minute another operator picks up

"nine one one, what's your emergency." The voice asks and I give a heaving sigh

"A man just jumped off the Eastmore Bridge…. His name was Caleb." I tell her and hang up quickly before anymore questions can be asked. Almost numbly I head down the alleyway, heading home as police sirens scream in the night, heading for the bridge. I clutch the satchel harder as I lift the manhole cover from its resting place and slip unnoticed into the sewers, slowly making my way home.

**(Leo)**

The TV monolith casts a blue hue across the living room, the volume turned low enough so as not to bother Sensei. Mikey is lounged on this plastron on the floor, casually munching on popcorn, his eyes glued to the black and white monster movie on the screen. Donnie is across from me in the recliner, immersed in a book of mathematical equations or whatnot, his eyes zipping across the page. I stand in the doorway to the kitchen, watching my two siblings as they go about their nightly activities. With a sigh I glance over at the door to the lair, half expecting Raph to just come storming in like always but nothing.

"I'm going to go look for him." I suddenly announce and Mikey rolls on his side slightly to give me a look while Donnie tears his eyes away from the book. Walking over to the wall containing our topside clothing I grab at the long trench coat my movements fast as I push my arms through the sleeves but stop at the telltale whoosh of the lair door opening. I turn, the collar of my jacket still standing and find Raph coming through the metal doorway, his head hung low and soaked to the bone. I frown slightly, finding my usually animated brothers movements very sluggish, possibly from the cold and the rain that is now dripping from the fabric on the coat.

"Raph! Where have you been?" Mikey calls and for a moment Raph flicks his gaze over to the youngest of our little group but says nothing. My frown deepens as Raph simply walks past me and strips out of the soaked jacket and pulls the now limp fedora off his head. No anger, no sarcastic retorts just the silent motions of putting his wet gear up to dry before simply walking away. Mikey gets up from his position on the floor and goes to walk after Raph but I quickly grab his arm and shake my head, something has subdued my brother, something that is obviously clogging his head. Mikey's face falls and his shoulders slump in defeat

"Mikey, why don't you go make Raph some hot chocolate? " I suggest, noticing how my brother's stocky frame is shivering from the chill as he climbs the stairs up to his bedroom without a word. Mikey gives a curt nod of his head and heads for the kitchen, muttering something about fluff and Hershey bars. I smile slightly, knowing Mikey will make up Raph's favorite hot drink in a special way.

"What do you think happened?' Donnie asks, coming out of his lab where he had placed his book. I shrug and replace my coat on the hook, placing my hands on my hips

"I don't know… but whatever it is we've got to figure it out." I tell my brainy sibling and he nods. A loud curse and the clanking of cups bellows up from the kitchen and I try to hold back my laughter.

"Maybe I'll go and investigate…." Donnie says, a smirk coming to his face and he heads towards the kitchen. I shake my head at the younger turtle's antics and screw up my nerve for the battle ahead of me. Getting Raphael to talk is like getting a stone to sing opera.

It just doesn't happen. Period.

Climbing the stairs I stop when I reach the top, figuring exactly what I'm going to say. When you approach the sullen and moody Raphael one must approach with extreme caution. Standing in front of the door I narrow my concentration from the soft voices filtering up from the kitchen to the soft mumbling coming from inside Raph's room. Cautiously I knock, knowing Raph can hear it and can tell the difference between my and the other's knocks.

"What?" comes the muffled response and my frown deepens. Raph is boisterous and loud and never soft and sullen. His response sounded almost sad in a way.

"Raph, it's me. Can I come in?" I ask softly and without a word the door is opened slightly. I push the door open in time to find Raph plop himself down in the chair in front of his desk where he's cleared a space. The wet satchel he had clutched when he walked in has been places caringly on the desk, the contents resting on the cleared out spot. Raph has a towel hanging around his shoulders but I can still make out the involuntary jerking of cold turtle muscles.

"You alright?" I ask and the muscular shoulders lift slightly in a one sided shrug as Raph resumes the methodical withdrawing of papers and notebooks from the soaked bag. Without a look at me he grabs the towel around his shoulders and stands, placing it back on the rack near his punching bag. I've always liked being in Raph's room it's not cluttered like Mikey or Donnie's, everything has a place in Raph's room. My sibling isn't a clean freak but he once told me how he hates walking into a room and having to walk _around_ or _over_ stuff to reach a certain point. Silently Raph sits back down at the desk and opens one of the notebooks, leafing carefully through the contents before setting it down. I watch him, amazement coming to the forefront as Raph touches these things as if they would break apart. I'm about to ask where he got the satchel and contents exactly when light footsteps on the stairs force me to move to the side to allow Mikey entrance. My youngest brother makes quite the entrance at that, holding in his hand one of the larger mugs painted a bright green and nearly overflowed with the steaming chocolate mixture Raph so loves.

"Ta Da!" Mikey announces and holds the mug out for Raph to take. I frown, Raph just sits at the desk, totally ignoring his brother attention all on the wallet he found inside the bag. My frown deepens as Raph finally looks up, a flash of loss in his eyes before accepting the steaming mug from Mikey, who watches expectantly for Raph to drink from it. Without a word my brother takes a sip, the fluff on the top leaving a sticky white mustache on his beak. Mikey's smile widens at the act and he stifles a fit of laughter as Raph stubbornly wipes at the white matter. I smile sadly, knowing Raph is only doing this to keep his younger brothers from worrying.

"Told you!" Mikey smiles at Donnie who only rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

"I swear Mikey, put anymore Chocolate bars in that thing and Raph's system will go into overload." He says as Mikey begins to move out the door, followed by the still lightly lecturing Donnie. Raph takes another sip/bite of the drink, carefully taking down the pile of fluff on the top before grabbing up the wallet and some papers.

"Is Sensei still awake?" He asks, voice slightly husky and tired. I stare at my larger brother for a moment, seeing now the exhaustion both mentally and physically playing out on his features. Proud shoulders are slumped and his eyes lack the usual fire they contain.

He looks like someone just died.

"Leo?" he asks, a hard edge coming to his voice along with a growl and I quickly nod

"I think so." With a nod of thanks Raph puts the mug down on his desk and walks past me, his hands full with the items retrieved from the satchel. From below I can hear Raph's soft knock on Sensei's door and the voice calling for him to enter. The shoji opens and closes softly behind him as he enters and I frown, leaning against the railing outside his bedroom.

**(Raphael)**

Sensei's room is always a calming place, filled with the serenity that is my father. The aged rat sits calmly in the center of his room, knees folded neatly under him and tail slapping the floor lazily as he indicates me to take a seat across from him. With stiff and still too cold muscles I ease myself to the floor, placing the items I brought with me delicately on the floor, my hands trembling.

"My son, what are these items?" Father asks, his ears perked and eyes warm and trust worthy. I look down at the items and take in a shaky breath, feeling my muscles tighten once more at the memory of grabbing nothing but air, being unable to help the poor man, now being fished out of the damn river.

"Father…" I start, clearing my throat, the massive chocolate overload of the Mikey's Famous Hot Coco having coated my mouth and throat with a thick film. Splinter waits patiently, his eyes focused solely one me.

"When, I left the lair earlier…. I went for a walk and… ended up on the Eastmore Bridge." I stumble over my words, voice shaking as the memories come back to assault me head on. I can feel the heat prickling dangerously behind my eyes and I stubbornly refuse to let the tears fall.

"Such a beautiful view that bridge has…. Although it is a view much better seen on a clear night my son." Splinter says, his voice calm and even as his words unknowingly relieve some of the tension in my body but not the ache in my heart. I clear my throat once more and continue

"There was this…bo-guy. He walked over to the railing and hauled himself up and was gripping the wire. Master, he was going to jump." I explain, my eyes closing at the memory of Caleb, his shivering body soaked and the look of pure despair in his eyes.

"I had to stop him… so I started talking to him. Master, he was so sad! He kept saying how he didn't belong here and how no one would miss him!" My words start coming faster and unbidden the tears fall, soaking into the still damp mask on my face.

"I told him I understood what it's like to be different, what it's like to be an outcast…. But nothing I said could convince him…Master, he let go! I was there and couldn't do a damn thing!" Sobs rack my frame, stealing my breath as I lean foreword, trying to curl into myself, curl away from my failure. The soft rusting of hair on fabric and the soft click of nails on tile tell me my father has stood up and a moment later I can feel my father's bony hand settle itself on the back of my neck, the padded palm kneading at the muscle there. It's a trick he learned when my brothers and I were still young and were stressed or scared. For some reason, it calms us but not tonight, the emotions are running to high and too fast.

"With all my skills and strengths I couldn't help him Master. I let that boy jump to his death without trying to _help_ him." I sob harder and Splinter's other hand falls on my arm, his grip warm on my still chilled skin.

"My son, you have such a golden heart. You did help that boy Raphael, you may have not _healed_ his spirit but you were there to _listen_ to his words and you_ understood_ when others did not. Obviously this boy already decided that jumping into the river was the only way and nothing you could have said or done could have changed that. He chose his path Raphael as you did. It was fate that brought you to that bridge and fate that chose _you_ to listen to his last words." He says and I slowly open my eyes, tears still pouring from my eyes. My body trembles with the emotions as my father rubs my neck harder, his small body pressed close to mine.

"Such a sturdy and kind heart you have Raphael, I sometimes fear your heart is a little too kind my son. Is this the boy?" I glance down at the license and student ID and nod my head slowly, staring at the face of an idealistic youth, wide eyed with a big smile on his face, ready to flap his wings into a world he truly didn't know.

A world that slowly devoured him until nothing was left but the Caleb on the bridge.

"Does anyone know?" he asks softly, picking up the photo ID and again I nod, wiping at my face and snifling.

"I called nine one one before I came home…. He's probably been found already." I figure and Splinter nods and replaces the id beside the other things.

"His family?" he asks and I shrug slightly

"I don't know…. Figured I'd try the address on his license, send his satchel back to them at least… let them know he didn't die alone." I can feel another sob dying to get out but I stubbornly swallow it down. Suppressing it, keeping it away until this deed was done.

"It is an honorable thing my son, but perhaps this matter will keep until you have rested and regained your control?" he asks slowly and for the first time I feel the exhaustion pushing down on me, both body and mind aching fiercely for a rest.

"Yes father." I respond softly, knowing if I don't heed his request he'll probably spike my tea or something or sick Donnie on me. Gently gathering the items I nod to my father and stand.

"My son, you are honorable to have tried to help this young man, don't let doubt of your actions interfere with your next task." I back away, bowing slightly to my father before sliding the shoji. I keep my head low and walk quickly past my brothers, now congregated on the couch. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Leo stand and I whirl to face him, holding up a hand.

"No. Just… please back off." I state shakily and quickly head for my room, taking the steps two at a time before closing the door. Once behind the protective barrier between myself and those concerned voices I can still hear filtering up from the living area I break down, sobbing into my hands as my knees give away. I hit the ground hard, my knee pads doing little to protect the joints from the fall.

**(Leo)**

The lair is calm, everyone had turned in not too long after Raphael came out of Father's room, his face ashen and pinched. I still can't get the sight of my argumentative, angry and prideful sibling looking so exhausted and worn, the pleading tone in his voice when he asked for us, his concerned family, to just back off. I sigh and roll over on my bed for the millionth time since turning in. Staring blankly up at the dark ceiling I mull over the events of the evening, the argument with Raph in the dojo about technique, his return several hours later looking like a drowned rat-father forgive me- and sullen and withdrawn. Then the plea after seeing father, it's just all too much for one mind to take in and comprehend while lying in bed. Tossing back the covers I stand quickly and forgo my mask and pads, knowing full well none of my other brothers or father for that matter will be awake. Grabbing my Katana I head for my door, left slightly ajar incase of an emergency I pull it open and let my eyes adjust to the slightly brighter living space. I stop just outside my door, hearing picking up the soft sounds coming from the dojo. Frowning I look towards the room, finding the soft orange-yellow light spilling into the main room in a narrow beam, the barely noticeable hint of music wafting through the doorway. Reaching the doorway I peer cautiously inside, finding the room to be lit with only four of the twelve lights and my darker skinned brother moving gracefully inside the room, his shell turned towards me. I watch as Raphael brings his Sai's down in a graceful arch, the three fingered grip changing automatically to grip one downward so the long prong juts out just past his elbow while the opposite is held in a typical grip. With a soft exhale my brother's muscled legs shoots out with a sharp kick, then the switched grip brings the Sai up as the dexterous fingers rapidly switch their grip, bringing the sai into an easier position. I've seen these moves many times, but usually practiced at a much faster pace and rhythm, the wild arch of the twin weapons a flurry of motion. But tonight, the well practiced and ingrained moves are slow, methodical and determined as Raphael conducts his own kind of meditation.

We each Meditate in our own way, some of us more traditional; like myself and others totally out of the norm like Mikey. It's a skill that was taught to us early on in our ninja training, how to clear our minds and harmonize our bodies to better understand the moves and the reasons behind them. Obediently Raphael sits through our daily Meditation, watched over by Sensei, keeping silent and still but not actually clearing his mind. Raph, unlike myself doesn't meditate on a regular basis, and sometimes I think that this is the reason for why my brother is so angry all the time, because he doesn't take the time to clear his mind, whittle through his emotions and come to a conclusion. No, instead he waits until something keeps him awake, forces him to confront it and resolve it. I've seen this inner battle wage for days before finding Raphael inside the Dojo, going through the moves he's learned, his body moving as his mind works through whatever is causing his insomnia.

I resist the urge to snort and shake my head at the memories of coming down for training and finding my red wearing brother asleep on the mats in the dojo or sprawled out on the couch. I have always liked watching Raphael train, often from the shadows of the doorway of the dojo. For being as thick set and heavily muscled, much larger than myself, Donnie or Mikey, Raph has a certain grace to him, he is at harmony with his body and knows its limits and how far he can push those boundaries.

His bodies the only thing he comprehends boundaries on

His fighting style is a unique mixture of what we have been taught and what he's learned topside, his 'Bar Room Brawling' moves are akin to that of those found on Mikey's _Street Fighter_ game, a brutal but effective combination that well suits my volatile and vicious sibling. It's fast paced and violent and it quickly renders your opponent unconscious, badly injured or sometimes dead.

Good enough for Raphael.

Soft music catches my ear and I scan the room for the source of the acoustic guitar and low vocals. The black portable CD player Raph keeps in his room sits off the side of the sparring mats, plugged into one of the outlets the CD spins, playing the slow and soft music. If Raphael had his way, every training session would be set to music, it's what defines my brothers life. My brother isn't picky about his music, although he prefers something with a hard edge to it and things like Disturbed and Slip Knot can often be heard booming off the lair walls he is also partial to country music and acoustic rock. Such is what is playing during this late night work out. I listen to the lyrics, frowning as Raphael's movements match the mournful song, his body moving to the beat

_I'd like to share with you a game that some may call insane _

_But for me it's how I live_

_It's a game I like to play when I want to get away_

_From the pain that life can give_

_Just take a corner of your mind look around and you will find_

_There's a world you don't know_

_You may be a bit surprised at what you see without your eyes_

_If you let yourself let go_

_But if you don't know the way baby that's okay_

_And if your worried that's alright I can get you through tonight_

_It's really not that hard just let down your guard_

_Forget that there's a world outside_

_And then once you're in you can begin_

_To sit back and enjoy the ride _

_Look around and see your purple majesty_

_Breathe in deep and taste the air_

_Listen to the sound the rhythm's all around_

_You didn't know but it was always there_

It's a CD of Raph's I have yet to hear and already I like the music, it's not heavy and loud, the lyrics are garbled words of destruction and hatred. Just a man with his guitar and voice, it's a soothing song, maybe that is why Raphael chose to perform is Meditation to it this night. As the song draws to a close I watch as Raph ends his workout, his muscles jumping slightly with exertion and a thin sheen of sweat covers his dark green skin, making him glow slightly in the pale lights of the dojo. He walks over to the CD player and grabs up a water bottle, guzzling down a good portion before turning to the doorway, his unmasked eyes unreadable.

"You can come out now Leo." He says, no heat or edge to his voice just a mild spike of exhaustion as he takes another pull from the clear bottle. I shake my head and enter the dojo fully, knowing full well I didn't sneak up on Raph. Out of us all Raphael is more connected to his animal instincts maybe that is what makes him so good at detecting an approaching enemy or a snooping brother.

Mikey calls it the "Turtle Jedi Powers" but I call it sheer instinct.

Its instinct that makes my hotheaded brother isolate himself from us when he's hurt or feeling overwhelmed. It's in an animal's nature to hide it's injuries to survive, Raphael, for all his mutations is still has that animal quality within him.

"Haven't heard this one before." I state easily, indicating the CD player. Raph looks down briefly and nods his head before leaning down and placing the water bottle beside the black box.

"Yeah, went to an outdoor concert about a month ago… bought his CD there." He says simply and returns to his place on the mat, quickly assuming a kata pose and working through the moves. I move a little further down the mats so as not to hit my brother and unsheathe my swords, picking up at the same move Raph is doing. Together we work through the Kata's, my swords swinging easily as I bring the blade down in a graceful arch. Raph does the same, executing a series of movements that only an ambidextrous person could do. Although all four of us use two handed weapons Raph has to have the most dexterous of hands, being able to flip and rotate his Sai around as he does without dropping them. We continue to work in silence until the album is finished, the final song a bit too rowdy for me and had my jaw almost on the floor at the lewd wording. Raph completes his kata and once again picks up the water bottle, guzzling down the remaining fluid and wiping his brow. I sheath my swords and watch as Raphael unplugs his stereo and slips it back into the small cubby but pops out the CD, holding it delicately between his finger and thumb. He looks around the Dojo for a moment and I can clearly see the exhaustion lining my dark green brother's face, but the brightness is back in his eyes.

His mind is clear for whatever task is ahead.

"Thanks Leo." He says softly and before I can stop him he opens the door to the dojo and heads out, his feet making no noise as he quickly heads back up to his bedroom.

"Your welcome little brother." I whisper to myself in the silent dojo, the sounds of the sleeping lair crushing down on me. I yawn and shake my head, blinking rapidly before deciding to also turn in. Maybe sleep will find me a willing host now, now that I know Raphael is doing alright.

**(Raph)**

Closing the door softely behind me I pick up the CD case and replace the basic green disc back into it's holder before inserting it back on the shelf beside my stationary stereo. My body tingles with energy now and for the first time since returning home from my walk and from my meeting with Caleb I can clearly see the task ahead of me and the means to complete it. Although exhaustion is quickly pulling me down, pratically ordering me to my hammock in the corner I force it away, knowing that if I don't do this _now_ I won't be able too do it.

Gotta do it while your head is clear

Grabbing a clean towel I wipe at my skin, feeling the heat from my workout leaving a chill behind. I shiver slightly and wipe at my beak before grabbing up one of the sweatshirts Angel had left with us after or trip into the Dragon's Initiation ceremony. Although not one for clothes the thick material does keep the chill away from my rapidly cooling skin and I'm grateful. Scanning my desk I grab at the notepad, quickly flipping the pages with my lists of auto parts and ideas for my bike to find a clear and crisp page. I stare down at the pad, mind racing until I close my eyes, clearing it once more. Picking up the pen I start to write, the sound of pen on paper filling my room as I write out the letter to the people who will surely miss Caleb.

**(Splinter)**

Three of my four sons gather before me in the dojo for their morning practice session. Leonardo stands relaxed on the end of the line, his blue mask hiding his expression but his dark eyes flick upward towards his brother's door occasionally and he lets out a soft sigh before shifting his weight in impatience. Donnatello yawns and rubs at his eyes making his mask go askew and tiredly fixes the purple band before shifting his position as well. Michelangelo seems to be napping on his feet, completely vertical but his chin is resting on his plastron and the soft snores coming from him are a dead giveaway. I smile slightly at the enthusiasm my sons have for morning practice before frowning when the well watched door finally opens and Raphael comes out, his band affixed over his eyes and a look of rush on his face. Without thought my dark green son jumps the railing to land on the floor, absorbing the impact with his thighs by bending his knees.

"Raphael…. You are late." I state and watch as the second eldest gives me a sheepish look before coming to stand before me, presenting me with an addressed envelope.

"I apologize Sensei…. I was wondering if maybe after practice if you could read this over?" he asks and I take the proffered paper envelope with a nod, assuring my son I would handle it for him. He gives me a rare smile of gratitude before falling back into line up and nudging his youngest sibling none to gently into wakefulness. Michelangelo wakes with a snort that makes his brothers burst out laughing, Raphael slapping his orange clad brother on the shell.

"My son's we shall begin with Meditation…." Obediently the four turtles settle down on the mats. I tuck the letter safely inside my sleeve and instruct them to clear their minds.

With another disastrous practice over I released my sons to their own devices, retreating to my room in order to look over Raphael's letter. Carefully I withdraw the paper from my sleeve and place it down on my writing desk before settling myself in the chair. Careful so as not to tear the paper I unfold it and read over the neat but often jumbled scrawl of my second eldest handwriting.

_Dear Mr. and Mrs. Grossman_

_You do not know me, my name is Raphael Hamato and recently I had the chance to meet your son Caleb. I realize you have probably been informed already of his death and I apologize for bringing it back up again but I had to inform you of my involvement. I met Caleb that night he died on the Eastmore Bridge here in New York and tried to understand his desire to end his life. I tried to coax him down by saying I understood how it felt to be an outcast but by the time I met your son he had already given up, had already decided. I was there when he jumped, directly beside him but I just wasn't fast enough to stop him, to grab him. I am truly sorry. _

_From the few minutes I spent with your son Mr. and Mrs. Grossman I knew he was an idealistic person with dreams and ideas the people in this world weren't ready for. I really wish I could have met him under better circumstances and befriended him, maybe even saved him. _

_I am sorry for your loss and deeply regret having not known Caleb sooner and not being able to save him. You have my most sincere of apologies. Enclosed with this letter is the satchel he had been carrying with him onto the bridge, his wallet and belongings are all there. _

_Sincerely and with regret, _

_Raphael Hamato_

I reread the letter once more and nod to myself, carefully folding the paper back up and replacing it inside the envelope. Standing I open the shoji and scan the living area for my second eldest, finding him to be in the kitchen at the table eating cereal. I purposely walk over to him as he withdraws his eyes from the magazine on the table, his face falling slightly as he gets an eye of what is gripped in my hand. He puts the spoon back into the bowl and straightens his back slightly, looking right at me. I place the envelope on the table and pat it before gripping my son's forearm,

"Raphael, you honor me with the sincerity in this letter and you have my blessing to send this to Caleb's family. I trust you have a box ready for mailing?" I ask and the dark brown eyes fill with an emotion I've only seen in his eyes once or twice before, genuine pride and self accomplishment. He nods, licking his lips and nodding again

"Good. You have done well my son, you conducted yourself with the honor of the ninja as well as the humanity and kindness I know is deep within you. You are both compassionate and loyal Raphael, two qualities no one will ever change." I tell him and pat his arm once more before turning and leaving the kitchen to return to my room, a smile on my face.

**(Raph)**

That day, after Splinter gave me his blessing I trudged through the tunnels that lead up under the shop April owns. Listening carefully at the hidden access door I hear no one above me and quickly take the stairs, peering out into the cluttered shop. April stands behind the counter, reading the daily newspaper and when I determine the coast is clear I rap on the door so as not to startle the red headed woman. April looks up quickly and I smile, pushing through the doorway with a small wave holding the box in the crook of my arm.

"Hey Raph, long time no see." She smiles and I nod, keeping to the back of the shop as the red head quickly goes to the storefront window and flips the sign to Closed and draws the shades closed by the display window. It's a habit she's gotten into whenever one of us visit, it keeps anyone from unknowingly walking in and seeing us mutated five foot turtles that wear colorful headbands.

She gets enough questions as it is.

"Yeah Ape, been pretty busy." I tell him and place the box on the counter. "I was wondering if you could do me a favor." I ask slowly and April nods, placing her hands on the counter

"Sure Raph, what's up?" she asks, looking from the box and back to me. I push the box a little bit closer and quickly reach back into my belt for the paper money I grabbed from my lockbox before I left.

"Could you please mail this? If anything comes back, I put your address as the return, could you let me know?" I ask and place the money on top of the cardboard box. April nods and takes the box but pushes the bills off the top.

"Keep your money Raph." I start to protest, about ready to hand back the bills when April places one hand on her hip and glares "I owe you remember? You ran and got me that rare artifact from that store down the projects right? It's the least I can do." She says and I sheepishly replace the money. She looks about ready to say something when a knock comes at the store front door, she looks back at me and I wave with a soft 'thanks' and tear off to the back of the store as April goes and unlocks the door. Closing the secret doorway I make my way back home, the tear in my heart slowly starting to mend now knowing that Caleb's things are on their way back to his family.

It's almost been three weeks since I met Caleb on that fateful night on the Eastmore Bridge. Three whole weeks of nightly patrols and bashing heads with Casey, life was going good. I would be lying if I said I didn't ever think about it, because I do. Sometimes the memory of the young man and his silent plea will flash up out of nowhere, triggered by something someone said or did. I would mull over it for a while then go into the Dojo or my bedroom and practice, turning the music up and letting the beat sooth the memory. Life in the lair has basically returned to normal, for a while there everything seemed tense until finally I had enough of the half looks and being watched all time. I confronted them all at the dinner table one night and told them to stop and then proceeded to start a mass food fight that ended up with Leo and Don covered in Mash potatoes and Mikey prying Lima Beans off his skin. It also ended up with us cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom that night as well but it was well worth it.

It was another quite day in the lair when April arrived with some groceries and a letter in her hand. Of course my siblings attacked the groceries with curiosity of what the woman had bought this week and were tearing through the bags as April approached me. I was kind of scared to take the letter from the woman's hand at first but summed up my courage and took it, retreating up to my bedroom. Once there I slid into my hammock and rocked slowly, scanning the neat script on the front of the letter

_Raphael Hamato_

_191 Mica Street_

_New York, New York_

I sigh and grab my sai off the hammock side table and use the middle prong to easily open the letter and pull the contents out slowly, a picture finding it's way to my plastron. I frown and pick it up, finding the smiling face of Caleb looking back at me, his wide eyes and bright smile almost bringing my heart to a stop. With shaking fingers I open the letter and start to read the letter.

_Dear Mr. Hamato,_

_You letter reached us two days after receiving the news from the authorities that out son's body had been discovered in the river. Forgive me for the late sending of this letter but my grief was and still is very great for Caleb was my only son and the light of my life at that. I decided that you, as the last person to speak to my son, should have the right to know that Caleb was laid to rest up here in Greenville. Caleb was such a good boy, filled with heart and kindness, never harmed a fly. He wanted to become a member of the peace corp. and was going to school to be a psychologist for those struck by the tragedy of war and hatred. He had big plans and as a mother I allowed him to follow them. I knew something was wrong when my son's letters and phone calls dropped off dramatically, he'd only call once a month and then only talk for about a half hour. The night he died I waited by the phone for his call… as was his habit at the end of the week. When no call came I feared the worse._

_Raphael, do not despair over not being able to save him. Once Caleb set his mind to something he saw it through to the end, a truth also seen within his death sadly. I am grateful that you tried to help him Raphael Hamato, that you, a single person in a city of many actually cared enough to try. I take comfort in the knowledge that my son didn't die alone on that bridge and that you were there to try and understand and help. I thank you Raphael Hamato for also being brave enough to send me his satchel and belongings, not many people are so honorable or considerate. _

_I enclosed the last photograph taken of Caleb for you and hope that you can pick up from this experience and continue helping people. _

_Thank you for your concern and valor Mr. Hamato_

_Grace Grossman _

At the woman's kind words I feel the burning behind my eyes and this time I let them fall. Tears make tracks down the side of my face and down onto my plastron as I cry for the boy now buried at his home and for the mother he left behind to grieve. Looking once more at the photograph I shake my head

"Told ya you would be missed kid. Everyone has someone to miss them, even if they don't acknowledge it." I sigh and wipe at my tears before swinging myself off the hammock and going to my corkboard, packing the picture into the frame I bow slightly to the image of the smiling youth, so young and carefree in a photo taken by a heart broken woman now expected to carry one with her life. Unlocking my lockbox I neatly fold up the letter and place it back in the envelope, placing it with the other important papers and things before closing the lock box once more. I stand and with a final look at the picture I wipe at the wet marks on my face and feel the final tear healing.

"I will continue to help people…. Maybe I couldn't save you, but there's probably someone else out there waiting to be heard, waiting to be saved." I say to no one in particular and grab my Sai's, thinking myself up to challenging Leo to a sparring match.

Oh yes, this is my path.

**The End. **

**Author Note: **Okay, can I just comment that this story took me the better part of 7 days to write and is 18 pages long. Yeah, that's a record for me actually. I'm not liking the ending but I guess it works.I know some of you are going to say "OMG, Raph isn't that emotional and blah blah," but really, I mean he's got a tough exterior on him yes but he's also obviously got a side to him that cares about people and things. That's what I was trying to explore here. This story was only intended to be until the point where Raph returns to the lair after calling the cops, then I decided, what the hell…. Let's explore this further and BAM, you get what you see here. Anyway, I'd appreciate a review…. And I will work on Living as Foes. Please review. **The song in this story was ****"The Game"**** by Jon Rush off of his ****Always Touring**** Album.**


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